The days and months following my explanation from the LVAD were an emotional roller coaster. I experienced extreme highs and extreme lows emotionally. I was either giddy with joy or so debilitatingly depressed I could not move. As a result, I was re-admitted into the hospital a few times, for symptoms of what I thought were heart failure like. Each time after much assessment it turned out to be not heart failure but either stress or depression. Thank lord, for the amazing doctors who cared for me through this trying period. At my last admission, I decided with the encouragement/advice of my doctors that I was going to be alright. That although my heart will forever be compromised, I was being blessed with the joy of seeing my son grow up and to have more days with my loved ones. This last stay which was mid to late June 2018 I decided to chase for life’s joy again. I was going to take all of my medications and plus some new anti-depressants. But; I was choosing to live life with as much joy as I could muster. This meant, ignoring stress at all cost, making sure I only functioned within my new capacity and finding things to be grateful for as much as I could. Believe me you, this process is not easy, words are cheap when it comes to your mental state and accepting the limitations of one’s self after moments of extreme trauma. What was once common sense, can no longer be rationalized.
So you might ask ” what did you do?”
As soon as I was discharged I convinced my family to go to Costco and purchase a river tube and to go tubing down the river. It sounded impulsive but they played along. We never ended up going to the river that day, because it started raining on our way there; but, we did better. It was Canada day long weekend so we kept driving and driving until we reached Jasper Alberta. It was spontaneous, we only had enough diapers and formula for a day or so but. But, who cared we were going to be adventures. We were going to chase life’s joy.
I still have my hospital slippers on, as you can see. This trip turned out to be an unforgettable time and the reboot I desperately needed. We got Christmas in July. We had beautiful July weather at the beginning of our second day. So we decided to visit a local hot spring, and guess what? it was snowing like crazy on top of the mountain, a pleasant surprise to even the facility staff. You can’t buy memories like that; two seasons in one! I will try to upload a link from the hot spring, so that I can share the experience with you. I want my son to one day say “Mom’s Heart Failure” didn’t stop her, from living life to the fullest!
